one cheek, three weeks: a half-assed and tardy Premier League Prevision

With rosters bound and chained until the new year and this obnoxious international break now in full swing, there seems no better time than the present to effuse an EPL preview, one which -- despite three to four rounds having been waged already -- will feature a table read grossly different than the one incumbent. It'll also, mind you, surely become lost somewhere within the Bermuda Triangle of what I think would be nice and kempt and topped with a bow if it were to happen, what's thought ought to happen with regards to history and lore and all that hullabaloo, and my actual prognostications regarding this term. And it shall here commence at the most reverent and obvious of places to commence -- 11th position-- and will continue on in such reverence to your (mis)guided pleasure.


11 Fulham
This is three spots lower than their finish the year prior, but will feel only about one. Will remain to be seen whether this is because of underachievement this season or overachievement the last. Somewhere Brian McBride will take note indifferently.

5 Everton
I trust David Moyes. Heitinga and Distin are together enough cover for Legoscott, Arteta and Yakubu have just pulled up to the curb of playing-health, and Tim Howard is now good enough to where, as so noted by BPhillips at RoP, it's never his fault. But more than anything else, I trust David Moyes. Perhaps it's because he always has a look like he's wondering how much pressure his palms could apply to human temples before any serious damage was done, but that's trust I can (be coerced to) believe in.

19 Birmingham
I'll give you a Scot I don't particularly trust though -- Alex McLeish. Alright, that's a lie; I trust him to continue Birmingham's status as the English game's resident whac-a-mole. There's always that team that "rides the rollercoaster" of promotion/relegation, right, or at least there always should be. Like a marginally distant cousin you only get to see every odd year and thus their life unfolds for you in a choppy half time. Hey man, is that an Ecuadorian striker with Ma$e hair that goes by Chucho? ....No no, that's cool, man. Really. It's a bit like Mad Men, but in quarters free from secondhand smoke concerns.

16 Wolves
There's also always now that side that manages to grant themselves a second go-around up top, and Mick McCarthy appears enough of an Aardman clay character to secure Wolves' place in the big leagues a further year.

7 West Ham
Remember all the tragedy the Not Actually Los Angeles But Orange County Angels Of Anaheim endured before this season, with numerous injuries and the unfathomably tragic death of preposterously young arm Nick Adenhart hours after he threw six scoreless innings? They're now in line to win their division and could perhaps be the only team capable of taking the Yankees for the pennant, as it's Boston they've struck up a hoodoo with. This isn't the first time a team has "banded together" after unfortunate universal circumstances, put their heads down and powered on through them. And between the Millbrawl, Jack Collison's pops and Carlton Cole's backpass, Obama's Team has procured enough angst in these beginnings to provide them the means of a European shelter after the storm. And, thanks to Zola, they'll look pretty good doing it, too.

12 Wigan
Well, somebody has to finish here.

3 Liverpool
I mean, I don't know. In theory they'll be in contention until the finish, but in February when they've just nil-nilled Wolves at home and they're not sitting atop the table and Rafa's gaze starts slyly wandering towards EUROPEAN NIGHTS AT ANFIELD, will anybody outside of the Mersey even flinch?


You're right, Xabi Alonso will. But it won't be much, and it won't last very long.

18 Bolton
And this is exactly why you'll be seeing the drop, Bolton; cause there's not one god damn interesting thing to say about you.

9 Sunderland
In his post preceding this, Steve Bruce at some point decided his team-building strategy would be to blur any distinction between Wigan Athletic FC and the national football team of Honduras. An endearing concept, things were running quite smoothly until 'Arry ate all the skin off the chicken, decided he sure too liked the idea and gave Wilson Palacios an offer he couldn't refuse. Looted of his side's engine, perhaps his most integral piece, Stevsie saw out his time amongst the rugby and pie and then hightailed it up north where a good Manchester man can find the resources to experiment however he pleases, so long as the idea is more invigorating than "let's buy only Man United rejects". What's followed have been acquisitions of what could be contextually and lovingly referred to as "assholes" (Lorik Cana, Lee Cattermole, John "The Rock Of Gibraltar" Mensah), a more sustainable means of survival and continuance of having the over on their fallen Geordie neighbors.

10 Tottenham
And Steve'll too get the over on the shrew who tripped up his dream of Honduran revolution at Wigan. 'Arry Redknapp and Bill Simmons -- he who just reached astronomical new highs in narcissism by assuming that the world were actually so privileged as to lay their eyes upon a diary of he and his friends' Abercrombie trip to Vegas for a fantasy draft, in two fucking volumes? Spurs' 09/10 story vultures around these two asses, and this is gonna bring a top-four finish? ....yeah? Consider this in the abovementioned "nice and kempt and bow-topped" category, but christ -- this is still Tottenham, people.

15 Blackburn
Like Bolton, there's not much to say, here, either, except an observation in lieu of a postulation posed again by Brian at RoP, the Premier League as The Big Lebowski.















Yep.

8 Aston Villa
They might finish higher, but it won't be any further than sixth, which coupled with the two preceding sixths and their apathy of continental football, won't amount to anything further than finishing eighth would.

14 Burnley
As previously noted, up until last year, the trend had been one newly promoted team would beseech relegation and alter the Premier League's shape ever so slightly; then like a prosthetically-aged Steve-O at the first Jackass film's finale (highest of sophistication 'round here, come on), Phil Brown somehow found himself unscathed after the smoke and limbs had cleared. And so the tide will continue in May, where alongside Wolves will remain Burnley; their early form an abberration perhaps but likewise in possession of a few essential elements of survival: the unique ability to both complete passes and then -- shocker! -- hold on to them, and a competent (to say the least...or should I say...to say the beast? BAM!) goalkeeper. Plus, and what these early victories have inarguably demonstrated, is that they ain't scared of nobody, which isn't quite enough to help them at Stamford Bridge persay but will be plenty to give them a fantastic chance at another year in the majors.

13 Stoke City
That ephemeral new shape the Premier League is thus taking on? How exactly can the poster boys not remain? Which, yes, in case you were wondering will too include...

17 Hull City
And it'll be because of Jozy oceans more than it will be because of Phil Brown.

20 Portsmouth
That indeed leaves poor Pompey in line outside when the bouncer makes last call, which isn't really 'Arry's fault but might as well be thought to have been and will as such be considered so here. Have you seen this roster lately? It's painful to be so blunt about this, but if your best player is a shaky keeper a year short of 40, you're destined to be sleeping with the fishes, see. And if Sam Allardyce is Sobchak, who's Redknapp? The head nihilist, Uli, or all three of them?

4 & 6, respectively The Manchesters, United and City
United were always going to feel different this year -- as were City, more obviously -- but the onus really isn't on Wayne Rooney like it's been made out to be, because what was lost was the crossbow and not the arrows it so fires. They will be taken as far then as, uhhuh, Berba sees fit to take them, in between all the brooding and the leather, which for me will be the worst of the Four. Across (or rather in) town the activities have bred but one question; is it possible to have faith in a world where something like the Lescott rape turns out in the accoster's favor? I mean, Real, for all their bombast, enlisted a little innovation with their money in going outside their own league (hell, even made it to France!); not hoarding a group of valuable toys all the neighbor kids were playing with. Smart business, this style of poach, sure, I guess -- but I'll ask you then, of what fate did Veruca Salt succumb?

1 Chelsea
Now, this pains me, it truly does. But it won't be a circumstance of triumph, of domination, of even, say, actually winning it. It instead will be because...

2 Arsenal
..they managed to lose it. They'll undoubtedly be the story for the whole year as they already have been (6-1, Divegate); they'll too compete til' the season's death, for the chasm created by Adebayor's absence is one in which the Kids can romp gloriously free, to where they'll statistically look not unlike 2009's Dodgers incarnation, a ridiculously-balanced of a lineup with eight 70 RBI-guys and not one reaching 100. But, despite that they on all accounts should win, this squad, though not not deep, isn't as deep as the one conveniently best-built to survive a lengthy transfer ban. Trust me, I hope I'm wrong. But if there's anything the Premier League has proven to be, it's utterly and downright see-are-you-ee-el, CRUEL.


For the non-dyslexics

1 - Chelsea
2 - Arsenal
3 - Liverpool
4 - Manchester United
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5 - Everton
6 - Manchester City
7 - West Ham
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8 - Aston Villa
9 - Sunderland
10 - Tottenham
11 - Fulham
12 - Wigan
13 - Stoke City
14 - Burnley
15 - Blackburn
16 - Wolves
17 - Hull City
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18 - Bolton
19 - Birmingham
20 - Portsmouth